Song / Lyric Feedback Public Group

Post your song/lyrics and get feedback from fellow members and a pro! Active group moderator Dean Fields is a pro singer/songwriter whose hit songs were produced by Garth Brooks, recorded by Lori McKenna, and performed by Billy Currington. His songs have been #1 on the Texas radio charts, he’s released 6 albums, and performed over 1000 shows.

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  • This song has gone through several iterations. 2 Previous versions I entered into the contest. This is the 4th iteration. It’s written about a lost love (in my life). Looking for suggestions to improve on the lyrics. Thanks.

    TITLE: Memories, Sweet Memories

    CHORUS:
    Memories, sweet Memories
    Sitting by the pool
    Seeing you through the…[Read more]

  • Originally posted this in the Virtual Co-Write group. Can’t seem to get many replies over there. Thought I would cross post here.

    I would like some help writing lines for a song that centers around the idea of revisiting places/situations we’d rather not ever be in again. I recently drove through a stretch of interstate highway where my bro…[Read more]

  • I hope this is received in the humor and fun I intended but realize this could be sacrilegious to some and taking the risk I may be asked to leave and not come back. I did my own version of Family Tradition by the great Hank Williams Jr. I rewrote the lyrics, to be sung to Family Tradition. My deepest apologizes to Hank Jr.

    My Family…[Read more]

    • “They throw their mother’s meat loaf recipe at me
      And yell, “preheat the oven to 350””

      I just spewed water all over my keyboard. You owe my employer a new laptop.

  • Here’s what puked out onto the trail today during my lunch break. It will either edit/finish itself on a future hike, or die on the vine here. I never know…

    What do I say

    [V1]
    What do I say
    When I’ve nothing to say
    I thrash around in the exhaustion while I grasp at words to pray
    What do I do
    Don’t know what to do
    Inside the chaos of my jumbl…[Read more]

    • I would encourage you to edit and finish, as I enjoyed it.

      • Thanks John- it feels kind of cringy in places to me. I think I’m going to be able to get out and hike a bit today- I’ll see what happens. 😀

    • Ok John- thank you for making me step away for lunch and go on a hike. It’s less random and more coherent now, but still feels off.

      What do I say
      [V1]
      What do I say
      When I’ve nothing to say
      In the chaos of the striving all the words float far away
      What do I do
      I Don’t know what to do
      Turned around in the confusion ‘cause I don’t know how to wa…[Read more]

  • Josh Lopez posted an update in the group Group logo of Song / Lyric FeedbackSong / Lyric Feedback 3 days, 18 hours ago

    Still Working Out a Title for This One…

    Sitting in a railway station
    with my bags all packed
    I’ve got a one way ticket
    to go down the track
    Hear a whistle blowing
    It’s coming back for me
    I’m on a railroad ride
    Don’t know where the end is gonna be

    There’s a long black veil
    Hanging in the sky
    But I don’t look up
    And I don’t ask why
    Well thes…[Read more]

    • Very cool Josh! Really dig the idea. I’m a sucker for a train song 🙂 My only hang up is that you’re in the station in verse 1 and you’re asking the lord to take you to the station in the Chorus. Might be better to be on the train the whole time. That way you can’t get off. Makes the pleading to the lord more emphatic as a result. The train…[Read more]

      • Josh- I just played around with the opening lines a bit for a different cadence:

        Sittin’ in the station with my bags all packed
        Got a one-way ticket
        For passage down that railway track
        Hear that whistle blowin’
        Headed right for me
        Lord knows how long this journey takes
        Or where the end will be
        🤷‍♀️

    • I concur with Dean. I was really liking the idea of the song, but I got confused as to whether you were or were not on the train.
      I think sorting that out would make this a really intriguing song.

      • I read, “Sitting in the railway station” and my mind immediately went to –“Got a ticket to my destination’ -the first line of the hit song Homeward Bound by Paul Simon. You may want to change the first line into something like -I wandered into the railway station, not to confuse it with the Simon & Garfunkel song. Otherwise, I really enjoyed y…[Read more]

  • My writing happens when I’m hiking and the words fall out of my head as my feet crunch on the trails where I go to be with God. But sometimes, life is hard and the pain gets in the way. The below was from one of those days. It’s a song about… having no song.

    Tired

    [V1]
    Here I am
    I came to where I meet You
    I know You’re here but I cannot…[Read more]

    • Kirstin, This is a beautiful expression of the battle between faith and weariness.
      “Searching for the rest in You that I can never find.” and “My only hope is hoping You’re not done yet.”
      Those two lines say it all!

      • Thanks Heather, appreciate that. I’m trying to re-write it from more secular perspective, thinking that more people could relate. (I would keep this version as well…)

    • Hi Kristin! This is wonderful. I love songs that tackle faith and devotion. They’re complicated subjects in that they’ve been done so much that it is hard to say something new. But you’ve got something special here. I really dig it. I have a suggestion if you’re up for editing. What if your chorus is simply:
      [Chorus]
      Too tired to pray
      Too tired to…[Read more]

      • I like your suggestion about moving that part to a bridge. Because quite literally that is the main part of the song… as I left for this particular hike, I mentioned to a friend, “I have no song inside me today.” And then…

        Thanks for your feedback and encouragement.

      • Also, I’m happy to hear that you enjoy looking at this type of work. I was hesitant to post, since I never “push” my faith on anyone. I feel like that is NOT the way to love on people… Loving on people means first and foremost respecting them. So I really hope that no one here feels like I’m pushing anything. I’m just sharing my own internal…[Read more]

    • Also-
      I like to write on walks as well. One thing you might try is a quick writing exercise before you go. Pat Pattison calls it Object Writing in his book “Writing Better Lyrics.” Basically it is a quick 10 minute free writing focusing on opening up your senses. I do it first thing in the morning so I can get it in before our 3 year old wakes…[Read more]

  • Any other Christians on here? I mostly write Psalms.

  • ChetHH posted an update in the group Group logo of Song / Lyric FeedbackSong / Lyric Feedback 6 days, 18 hours ago

    Hi Dean,
    Any thoughts on “This Dark Ending” — posted here a few days back? It’s my current pride and joy, and the groupmember feedback thus far has been encouraging — so I wanted just to get it onto your radar for some convenient time. Thanks!

  • John Sebby posted an update in the group Group logo of Song / Lyric FeedbackSong / Lyric Feedback 1 week ago

    In all my lyrics I tell a story, probably because they are the kind of songs I like. I enjoy reading everyone’s lyrics here as I learn the art of songwriting. I noticed most of the lyrics here tend to be more artistic than storytelling, this is not a critique only an observation, and I know everyone must be true to their own originality, so here i…[Read more]

    • I guess it depends on your definition of success, but I’d say a healthy mix of conversational and poetic lyrics would be both accessible and interesting to a pretty broad audience. However, if I knew the answer to your question (and had the talent to pull it off), I’d probably be topping the charts, ha.

    • That’s a great question. I’d also like to know which genre of music is most in demand.

    • Hey John-
      That’s a good question. I have a couple of thoughts. One is that even though this group is about song feedback, most of the members here tend to be lyricists. And folks who love words tend to be more poetic and artistically driven. Popular music has had many moments when these types of songs have found their way to the top. Mostly though…[Read more]

      • I’m trying to write songs that are simpler. I’m really drawn to folk/rock music which is poetic yet has a simple message. It amazes me how some songs seriously only have a few lines that repeat in a way that get stuck in our heads forever!

        • Repetition can be even more poetic than even the most ornamented lines. Read Tom Petty’s choruses. His are so economical, simple, and beautiful. And consider this Tom Waits chorus:
          “Oh, you got to hold on, hold on
          You gotta hold on
          Take my hand, I’m standing right here, you gotta hold on”

          It’s perfect. And he’s made it the verses’ responsibility…[Read more]

          • Tom Petty is exactly who I was thinking of. He mastered that simplicity in a way that is absolutely timeless. And Tom Waits is a great example, too.

  • Hi all, here’s a lyric I recently finished. Would love your comments. The idea for a song was inspired by the phrase “the light that surrounds you” in this beautiful video: https://fb.watch/1Qt7ngcAcX/, and I’m envisioning the same kind of music for my lyric.

    THE LIGHT AROUND YOU

    Verse 1
    I can remember
    The dark days before
    Waking up to see…[Read more]

    • I dig it Kimberly! What do you think about this form change:
      Verse, Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus. Bridge, Chorus
      ??
      Love this line: “Laughter falling like
      Honey poured from a buzzing hive”
      -Dean

      • Thanks, Dean! You mean add a third verse, yes? OK now I gotta think of one! 🙂 I do tend to write pretty short compared to some folks here. I think the 3-minute pop song/ballad structure has been ingrained in my head, and I write to that. I don’t seem to have it in me to write the long, storytelling songs. I would like to try though ….…[Read more]

  • ChetHH posted an update in the group Group logo of Song / Lyric FeedbackSong / Lyric Feedback 1 week, 1 day ago

    Thanks if anyone can have a look at these song lyrics and lemme know your thoughts on them.
    I hear this as kind of a mid-tempo, folky-to-alt-country lament — over a tricky love gone wrong.

    “This Dark Ending”

    Verse:
    Just say it to me nicer
    And soften the blow
    If you gotta quit me
    If I gotta go
    Say “Ours was a good try”
    And shake your head no
    B…[Read more]

    • I really like this. The repetition in the beginning and end of each verse works well here. Just reading the lyrics, it’s easy to hear a peppy melody line. Lyrics are a neat mix of conversational and poetic. Great opening

    • I dig this, and your bridge is awesome! 😊

    • Hey Chet! I really dig this. What if your first verse is actually your Chorus? I know this can throw people off sometimes. But hear me out. THIS sums up the emotion of the song:
      “Just say it to me nicer
      And soften the blow
      If you gotta quit me
      If I gotta go
      Say “Ours was a good try”
      And shake your head no
      But say it to me nicer
      Don’t knock me do…[Read more]

  • I submitted this in the Song Contest. Didn’t make the top 35…someday, ha. It’s one of my earliest full-fledged songs. Yes, I wrote it for a specific special lady. No, it did not convince her I was the man of her dreams. Probably for the best. I hope you enjoy, and as always…feedback is appreciated.
    Thanks, Dave

    • 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

    • The ones that get away leave the best songs 🙂

      • Well, that’s a great silver lining because most of them got away, ha. Lyrics are posted below.

      • Dean, that comment sounds like a lyric, lol!

      • “The ones that get away,
        Always leave the best songs.
        Verses written from the memories,
        Of all our rights and mostly wrongs.
        And time won’t heal them all,
        Even if we want it to.”

        Ok, one of y’all take the next verse!

        • “I could croon through my collection of our greatest hits
          To an audience still holding out for true love’s kiss
          While be all pretend the next song will be new”

          • Love it y’all. Here’s something to think about regarding form: If your hook is all about what they leave, your verses could be about what they take. That way you have some contrast. You’re still pointing towards the hook, but from a different angle.
            If y’all decide that’s what you want to do then you’ve got some solid chorus and bridge lines…[Read more]

        • Sure! Let me think on the verses for a bit… what about something along these lines?

          I gave my love
          Yeah, You took it all
          I tried to run
          But you made me crawl
          I gave you trust
          And you stole my heart
          I built you up
          You tore me apart

    • Really nice, Dave. Love the melody, especially the chorus. Bet it sounds good in a little joint at open-mic, or some such event. (Too bad pandemic realities currently prevent…) Detailed lyric feedback would require my reading them, but they seem to hang together really well in the listening.

      • Yea. I realized I forgot to post lyrics. I’ll add them tonight. Thanks for the positive feedback. I always struggle with the melodies.

    • Forgot the lyrics:
      Verse
      Lookin’ out for the rain
      You’re doing the same
      Don’t know what’s beyond these doors
      But we can’t stay here no more

      Pre Chorus
      It was so easy not so long ago
      Then I found the truth and lost control of myself and everything else.

      Chorus
      She’s not your guiding light; she’s not your destination
      She’s the here and now; she’s…[Read more]

      • Hi Dave I really like this and particularly like your chorus “The hourglass has neither interest nor bias / it’s eternally turning on infinite sides”. That’s killer! Well done! Kim

      • I dig it David! As always…an interesting angle on a subject matter most can relate too. That’s style. That’ a signature thing. Someone asked on the facebook group about what it means for a writer to have a style. I’m pretty sure I can pick your songs out now. That’s style. I have one suggestion:
        Consider changing: “And the crimes she’s c…[Read more]

        • Well no one has ever accused me of having style before, certainly not if they saw my closet. But I digress. Thank you kindly. It’s beyond thrilling to hear that. It takes me so darn long to write a song, and the feedback I receive from everyone here is often the carrot I use to pick up the pace.

          Also, I like the switch in the line. It’s so much…[Read more]

  • Runaway © Copyright 2020 Patrick Harvill, all rights reserved

    Verses
    She only ever wants
    What she has not got
    She wanted much, then not
    If I were in her arms
    Enjoying her charms
    Completely disarmed

    That worked well for me
    Dating so ambivalently
    Cold heart frosted over
    Just thawing from another
    Whose offer was nothing
    Her offer the same…[Read more]

    • “Sealed up tight against Cupid’s bow” – pretty sweet line.
      I like repeating the bridge at the end.
      I like “doe turns to crow.” It gives the impression of s hunter finding out that he’s the one who has been wounded – crows got him. Maybe that’s a bit morbid for what you are shooting for, but that’s what I got from it.
      The line in the verse after…[Read more]

    • Hey Patrick-
      Thanks for sharing this one! You’ve got some cool lines in here. I like how conflicted you are throughout the entire song. Normally I would say to keep a bit more focused emotionally but in this case it really suits the subject matter. Well done. The only thing I would suggest is to mess with the form a bit. Right now you’ve got…[Read more]

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