Song / Lyric Feedback Public Group

Post your song/lyrics and get feedback from fellow members and a pro! Active group moderator Dean Fields is a pro singer/songwriter whose hit songs were produced by Garth Brooks, recorded by Lori McKenna, and performed by Billy Currington. His songs have been #1 on the Texas radio charts, he’s released 6 albums, and performed over 1000 shows.

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active 2 days, 22 hours ago
  • Workin’ on a new track, trying for a show-opener type vibe.

    Right Where We Left Off
    Dawson; Fradin

    Verse I
    We were at the door, break of dawn
    You and I, just holdin’ on
    Times were tough, I had to go
    Found some work out on the coast
    Birthdays, game days, on my own
    Now I’m doin 90 drivin’ home
    My heart is racing, I’m hanging on
    Can’t wait to…[Read more]

  • Fred Ball posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 4 days, 6 hours ago

    Something new – based on a true story. In Mexico City in 1981, The “Day of The Dead” the people dress up in costumes often based on death. I took her picture and she approached me and said “If you take a picture of Lady Death, you must dance with Lady Death”. I danced with her and the audience was aghast which I did not understand. Later a Mexican…[Read more]

    • This is really cool. Love the idea and the execution. What do you think about a bridge that really gives us the thrill and the fear? That juxtaposition could come to a peak there.
      Good job,
      Dean

      • This is the first cut on one I started a year ago – only had the opening lines. I’ll play with it. Thanks.

  • Greg Allen posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 4 days, 17 hours ago

    Got no rain song, but here’s a silly song for Father’s Day. Happy Father’s day to the Dads out there.
    Greg Allen

    Teletubby Blues
    Greg Allen

    Daddy’s drinking wine from a Teletubby cup
    You chug it on down, then you fill it back up
    He’s sitting on the sofa just to watch the kids run
    The Mommy’s gone shopping, now ain’t this fun?

    I’m drinking…[Read more]

    • Ha! I can relate. Good job Greg.
      Dean

      • Great lyrics, I loved the song. I will see your Teletubby cup and raise you a sippy cup.

        I Don’t Want to Grow Up

        No, no, I don’t want to grow up
        I drink my whiskey from a sippy cup
        I go around and play with toys
        Along with other big girls and boys

        Being an adult, I decided to quit
        Threw myself on the floor and had a fit
        I don’t have a goal,…[Read more]

      • Thanks! wonder how many more songs are out there with sippy cup references. I really like your lyrics too, fun song. Greg Allen

  • Angela Risner posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 1 week ago

    https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/yjgF52DhdnkTsbcg6
    And here’s another one from my debut album which will be released shortly- my artist name is Riz Angel- hope you enjoy these tracks

    • Thanks for sharing Angela. Can you post the lyrics to these as well?
      -Dean

    • Truth always beats a lie
      V1
      I’ve been sailing cross the ocean
      Too full of emotion
      Standing by myself
      Cos they’re aint nobody else in my shoes
      You probably don’t remember me
      Wouldn’t recognise me if you saw me now
      But I can’t help but wonder if you do, if you do somehow
      Ch
      One day you’ll make up your own mind
      Cos they poisoned you when you were…[Read more]

  • Angela Risner posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 1 week ago

    https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/Yy42t2NmbWt9pt7CA
    Hello , just joined and posting one of my new tracks- aptly called ‘rainy day’- hope you like it

    • Rainy Day
      V1
      Midnight, I was counting the stars
      Wondering where you are
      When your face appeared in the clouds
      My thoughts out loud, echoing through the dark sky
      Bridge
      You’re just a heartbeat away
      I’ve got so much to say
      Don’t wanna save it up
      Chorus
      For a rainy day
      For a rainy day
      Don’t wanna save it up
      Cos life soon goes away
      V2
      I sent yo…[Read more]

  • Dean Fields posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 1 week, 4 days ago

    Songwriting Prompt 6/8: The last thing we need is another song about rain. Prove me wrong 🙂
    Can’t wait to see what you come up with!
    -Dean

    • Ha, its pouring down rain here today. I don’t have a chorus, verse 6 would make sense, or could do both 5 & 6 as a chorus after 2 and again after 4 to close it out? But would an early chorus interrupt the story flow?

      Rain in Sunny Florida
      1
      Were they lying about the sunshine?
      Were they lying about the sand?
      All I’ve seen is rain in Flo…[Read more]

      • Had an idea for the chorus, how about a chorus in three-part harmony? Something like:

        (I.) Rain————–
        (II.) Rain, rain, rain
        (III.) In sunny Florida
        (Repeat)

      • Good job John! I really like the chorus idea. And, you might even start the song on the chorus?
        -Dean

      • Thanks Dean, some of the credit goes to you. I have a tendency to use the chorus as just part of the story, it was your guidance of encouraging me to look the chorus in different ways. Thank you!

    • Been missing and still under the gun but…….

      Rain

      The rain comes down in sheets of gray
      Obliterates the sun
      The steam jumps off the sidewalk
      Rainy season has begun
      And like the rainy season
      My mood turns dark and gray
      Waiting for the sunshine
      To brighten up my day

      Is that raindrops streaming down my face
      Or only random tears
      I’m never g…[Read more]

      • Good to have you pop in here Fred. Well done. This is such a good visual line: “The steam jumps off the sidewalk.” You could probably make this the chorus and do it once more in the middle:
        “The rain comes down in sheets of gray
        Obliterates the sun
        The steam jumps off the sidewalk
        Rainy season has begun
        And like the rainy season
        My mood turns dark…[Read more]

      • Thanks, think you are right, will try it that way.

      • Things are beginning to lighten up, headed back up to CT for a few weeks but will be more “present”

    • Just letting the muse go, where it wants to go – funny must be in a good place as it seems to be that time when these sort of songs are written
      .

      When It Rains         Draft          RogersonLB
      .

      V1

      Met an old man

      Still pining for an old love

      Said she took a hot shot

      Lay on the bed for three days

      Eyes staring at the ceiling…[Read more]

  • This is a new one I wrote this week…Any feedback would be welcome.

    SEE

    Wish you could see through my eyes
    If only just for one day
    Wish you could see
    What it’s like to be me
    Maybe your mind would change

    If I’m poor, then I must be lazy
    If I’m black, I must be bad
    If I’m gay, an abomination
    A woman, worth less than a man…[Read more]

    • Powerful stuff Deborah. I wonder if you can somehow get these 2 lines closer to each other: “Wish you could see through my eyes” and “Maybe your mind would change.” ?? That is a really strong statement. Maybe its a refrain, or chorus, or bridge. or part of any of those?? See if that inspires you at all.
      Well done!
      -Dean

      • Thanks…I see that section as my chorus…What if I repeat “Wish you could see through my eyes” at the end of all 3 sections?…I was also thinking about adding this to the ending:
        Oh say can you see?………………………Through my eyes (repeat once or twice)

  • Greg Allen posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    This is one I came up recently with a name in the title. Greg Allen

    Jenny, I’d Take You
    Greg Allen, 3/5/21
    Verse
    You’re soft as the Springtime, warm as a breeze
    Brought this strong man down to his knees
    I feel undeserving, but glad as can be
    Jenny, I’d take you to meet my family

    They’re a motley group of saints and sinners
    Lost at times,…[Read more]

    • Cool idea Greg! It could be cool do have some repetition somewhere. Off the top of my head something like this:
      “Jenny, I’d take you, Jenny, I’d take you, Jenny, I’d take you to meet my family”
      Play with it if it does anything for you.
      Keep posting!
      -Dean

  • Dean Fields posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Songwriting Prompt 6/1/2021: Write a song with a person’s name in the title. There are so many great songs that come to mind: “Rhiannon,” Fleetwood Mac.
    “Eleanor Rigby,” The Beatles.
    “Runaround Sue,” Dion.
    “Come On, Eileen,” Dexy’s Midnight Runners.
    “Johnny B. Goode,” Chuck Berry.
    “Darling Nikki,” Prince.
    “Me and Bobby McGee,” Janis Joplin.
    “Sweet…[Read more]

    • I wrote down this one line a few weeks ago: Jimi, Janis, and me. I was inspired by the song “Lost in the Fifties Tonight.” When I saw your challenge, I just came back to write the song.

      Jimi, Janis, and Me

      In the age of Aquarius
      I was a child of Rock
      Longing for sixties music
      And to turn back the clock

      Music that captured
      My heart and my sou…[Read more]

      • Good job John – We all go back to the music we first fell in love with. Cool idea. Something about that hook is hitting funny grammar wise. Try something like: “We were running carefree – Jimi, Janis, and me” or come up with a name that rhymes with me for that last line. ??
        -Dean

      • I changed it out with your recommendation, and it flows so much better. Thank you.

    • Funny of all the songs I’ve written only one or two have featured names in titles! Well this one has a very Aussie title and is a place that I was hoping to get to this year – https://northernterritory.com/alice-springs-and-surrounds/destinations/alice-springs

      Just popped in my head so did a quick write, here is Alice Springs (to mind)

      Alice…[Read more]

      • Here was a rewrite from 1.2.21 of a song that I also features names!

        Al and Mo  v1.0   RogersonLB

        V1

        Al has been a friend since way back in school

        Always had my back and doesn’t suffer fools

        Best man at my wedding as I was for him

        A man to be relied on when others broke the rules

        V2

        Mo I met at work was first one to say hel…[Read more]

      • Arty- Well done on both. The “Alice Springs” chorus is very good. Love this: “Last flames are licking those embers. Try to sleep and not remember”
        Thanks for sharing.
        -Dean

    • Thanks for sharing “Carrie’s Feet”. Beautiful song! Greg Allen

      • Don Lowe – North Dakota Hymn
        (Dedicated to my songwriting friend)

        I spent a week in North Dakota
        One day in sixty six
        The days were short in late September
        Two kids just chasing kicks.

        We camped along the highway
        It was freezing cold at night
        The stars put on a dazzling show
        Of darkest black and light

        We headed up toward Fargo
        Hit Bismarck…[Read more]

      • Thanks Greg!

      • Fred-
        This is really good. It might be cool to add a refrain. Or maybe even a section that repeats. Perhaps:
        “His songs sing of the hinterland
        His songs sing what is true
        His songs come from an older soul
        And speak to me and you”
        Keep em coming,
        Dean

    • Ah, couldn’t resist the juicy prompt for person’s name in title! Here’s my story of “Poor, Stinkin’ Stewie” — lots of very short lines, I hear it as uptempo and rockity. Thoughts? Thanks!

      “Poor, Stinkin’ Stewie”

      Verses:
      As a young man
      I had a friend
      His name was Stew
      And he seemed a dead end

      He couldn’t hold his drink
      He got us into fights…[Read more]

      • Poor, stinking Stewie 🙂
        I like that he ends up being your boss in the end. It might need a little clarification though. Just a little tweak here in there to make it perfectly clear. Almost like you’re telegraphing the surprise a bit.
        Good job,
        Dean

  • Brad Dawson posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 2 weeks, 5 days ago

    A new track I’m working on, would love candid feedback if you have a moment to take a listen.
    Thank you!
    Brad

    Her Heart’s Worth More
    Brad Dawson; Hannah Dorothy
    (bradzilla.dawson@gmail.com)

    Verse I
    Going from in to out of love
    You broke my heart in record time
    Just l…[Read more]

    • Thanks for posting Brad. Good work. I love all of the questions in the chorus. That’s a good program. I really like the moment you’ve captured in Verse 2.
      Keep posting!
      -Dean

  • Could have been     Draft                       RogersonLB 

    .

    .

    V1

    The child stands in the school yard

    With the crowd shouting out fight

    Screaming and laughing at the bloody sight

    Getting joy in something so dark

    .

    Chorus

    I could have been one of them

    Waiting now at the gates of hell

    With regrets and sorrys of the tales I tell

    I could…[Read more]

    • Hey Arty- That’s a tough one to dig into. Well done. That bridge is strong. It might be worth exploring if those lines in part or full could be used in the chorus??
      Play with it and see what you think.
      Keep us posted!
      -Dean

  • Greg Allen posted an update in the group Song / Lyric Feedback 3 weeks ago

    Memorial Day’s coming up. Please, remember.
    Here’s a tune that fits in to the day.
    They Gave Her the Flag
    Greg Allen 8/2018
    A misty cool November morn, A tent, some chairs, and God’s good earth
    A young wife stands, her heart is torn, Alone among the crowd

    And they gave her the flag
    And her little girl said Mommy what’s that for
    Her Mommy hel…[Read more]

    • Heartfelt and honest.. Nice work Greg

    • Good job Greg- Lots of good stuff here. Something to maybe think about…They gave her the flag. He gave his life. They gave her the flag. You could argue that it is an honorable exchange. Or, you could argue that it is an uneven exchange. Or, you could suggest it and let the listener come up with their own conclusion. But it could amplify the…[Read more]

      • Thanks Dean. I think you reviewed this for the Lyric contest. I see your point. It makes me think that may be a separate song! Maybe the wife and daughter later on looking at the flag on the mantle and wondering. . . thanks for your thoughts! Greg Allen

  • So I have been working for a long time on this song. I think I might have something here now. None the less the arrangement goes: V1 Chorus V2 Chorus Tag Chorus
    Without further ado…

    Beautiful Oblivion

    Verse I
    Lying in my arms
    hair hiding your eyes,
    Sun just keeps on rising
    Like I can’t hear your alarm.
    Baby, can’t we stay right here
    And liv…[Read more]

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