Old standard Christmas songs are out; bizarre Christmas songs that will make your family uncomfortable at the gathering are in. Here are five entertaining and kind of weird holiday songs for you to sneak into the official party playlist wherever you’re spending your Christmas season.
Videos by American Songwriter
“Santa Stole My Girlfriend” — The Maine
The Maine is known for being instrumental in the emo/pop-punk wave of the 2000s, and in 2008 they released a series of bizarre Christmas songs. One of those is the brokenhearted lament “Santa Stole My Girlfriend.” An acoustic tune, “Santa Stole My Girlfriend” intones in the chorus, Santa, you b–ch / Didn’t get a damn thing from my Christmas list / All I got was this broken heart / And that’s it. Throughout the song, the speaker wishes Santa had never come to town. Then, his girlfriend wouldn’t have left him for jolly old Saint Nick. All we can say is, that’s pretty rough, bud.
“I Don’t Know What Christmas Is (But It’s Here)” — Old 97’s
This song is from the Guardians of the Galaxy holiday special soundtrack, and it’s from the perspective of some sort of alien trying to explain what Earth Christmas is based on descriptions they’ve been given. Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers / He flies to every human home in under 14 hours / He’s a master burglar, a pro at picking locks / If you don’t leave milk and cookies out / He’ll put dung in your socks, the alien explains. Later, they ask in mounting horror, What the heck’s a turtledove / And who lit up that deer? It’s an interesting look at how truly weird our holiday traditions are when you really think about them.
“Christmas Tree On Fire” — Holly Golightly
This Christmas song paints a clear picture of everyone’s nightmare. This scenario is also why no one puts real candles on their tree anymore. The Christmas tree’s on fire / It’s burning down the house / The flames are getting higher / And I’m tryin’ to put it out / I’m beating it back with a tube sock / and a cushion off the couch / The Christmas tree’s on fire / And it’s burning down the house. Just imagine grandma’s delighted face when this song comes on at the family party and she hears Well we put it up for Jesus / It stood so tall and true / Now it’s burning all to hell / and it’s takin’ me with it too, followed by an outro of fire engine sounds.
“Christmas Will Be Soon” — Lemon Demon
Lemon Demon is known for bizarro music already, so why would his Christmas songs be any different? “Christmas Will Be Soon” is more like a harbinger of Christmas than a song. It warns listeners that Christmas will be soon, do not fear, prepare the rituals. Cut down your twig shrine / Sit ’round the big pine / Beneath a star / This is who we are. Have you ever thought of putting up the tree in terms of “decorate your untamed nature”? How about “let’s stop burning Yule logs in faith of fool’s gods our kids won’t know”?
“Christmas” — Froggy Fresh
To end the Christmas songs on a lighter note, there’s “Christmas” by Froggy Fresh. This is mostly just a Christmas list full of John Cena-related items. First thing on my list go figure is a brand new John Cena action figure, the song opens. There’s a “John Cena watch for my wrist,” a “brand new John Cena poster for my door,” a “brand new John Cena car that I can drive,” and on and on it goes. The chorus asks, Have I been a good boy? That’s none of your business, which, when you think about it, is really how we should all approach Santa.
Featured Image by John Medina/Getty Images
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